Waiting...

I am probably about a couple of hours to hear from my mom about her colonoscopy she had about a month ago. She has this procedures done about every 6 months or so but that last time was about a year ago, the doctor felt confident that she would be OK for a whole year.  For some reason I feel very nervous and can't wait for the time go by really quickly so that I can call her and find out what happened.
She had cancer about 7 years ago and after getting a blessing the cancer went away, she never had chemotherapy treatments or anything at all.  I truly believe it was a miracle.  But for the last 7 years it has been hovering over our lives that she might get it back and get sick and someday she will be gone.  I was talking to Dan today about it and I feel like if she dies... that's it, there is no one else for me.  I know it sounds horrible but that is how I feel.  What I mean by that is that since I lost my dad she was the only person I could fully trust and knew that she would be there for me no matter what, sure my brothers will still be here but one being so far away and we don't have the best relationship and the other one has his own family to worry about.  Phone calls are always the best thing but it is not the same, the relationship with a mother can not be compared to anything else.  She is so important to me, it does not matter that we don't see eye to eye on everything, it does not matter that she might not approve how I do things around here or that I had too many kids, none of that matters in the end because I love her so much, she was my rock for so many years.  I always thought she was wonder woman, she did everything for us, sacrificed herself, her entire life for her three kids and I always wanted to be like her.  She is a strong woman but after getting sick and dealing with her parent's death she became fragile, she hasn't been the same since then and she is a different person now, more vulnerable.
She still tries to look strong, but she is not, she needs us just as much as we need her. She listens to me when I have problems, she tells me what I want to her most of the time, she knows when I need her because she always calls me at the right time.  I love it when she comes mostly because she gets to spend time with my kids and has been able to see them grow and every time she comes back they get along just fine.
So I have been praying this last month for her, praying that the cancer can stay away, praying that the next time we see her wont be the last time, praying that she knows how much we love her and appreciate her in our lives.