Life After a Stroke

 
Well here we are, officially 6 months after the stroke and we are together finally. It has been almost 2 weeks since Dan got home. I knew bringing him home was going to be a roller coaster of emotions and full of challenges but I had no idea how many ups and downs were actually included in this particular roller coaster. In a nut shell, it is like taking care of a newborn/toddler 24/7.

Because of the damage to Dan's brain the needs are many. We are so happy that he can walk and talk because it makes a huge difference with the quality of life he is getting right now. The sad part is to see him struggling with the realization that he can't drive and help the family like he used to. We keep reminding him that right now his job is to rest and get better but at the same time work on therapy so he can get back to his independence. For the most part he is a happy guy until you tell him he can't go up and down the stairs alone. He has not fallen yet (knock on wood) because we are very vigilant and someone is always with him. It must be insane to have someone right there next to you 24/7, except when he hangs out with me, he loves that. 

He really can't be away from me for too long, he loves talking to me, watching TV with me, having lunch together and simply staring at me. It reminds me of when we first started dating. He would sit there and stare at me all the time until he made me blush. He thinks I am the most beautiful woman on earth and keeps kissing my hands and hugging me. It is really cute and not going lie, I kind of love that. 

We still haven't been able to get this therapy in place, assessment is next week and I can't wait to see what happens with that. It will determine how much therapy he needs and for long he can get it. 

The only bad thing that happen last week was his crown broke and we had to get him to a dentist ASAP. it was a struggle to find someone in our network but we found someone and they will be delivering the crown in the next 2 weeks. It just makes meals a little bit trickier because we have to make sure he eats soft foods. He is starting to hate soups. 

So far we are managing and hoping thing move in the right direction. He has his first PCP visit on Friday and we will talk to the doctor about his foot drop and see what can be done about it. 

Dan is coming home

 Well after almost 6 months since this whole thing started, Dan is finally coming home! I sit here in awe at the amazing miracles that we have been able to witness. From the time he woke up from the coma to his ability to walk assisted. We are at a different place we were 3 months ago when we were told he would be coming home and to expect having a nurse to watch him 24/7, lying on a bed and been feed through a tube. I still can't believe we were able to have him go tot his facility he has been at for the  last 2.5 months. I can definitely see the hand of the Lord every step of the way, all I had to do was let go and trust that thing would work out. 

Dan has been counting down the days to his discharge date and repeats it constantly. He understands now that he needed to be there so he could get better and though he forgets some times that he was ever on a wheelchair, he can see the pictures and compare the before and after. 

He still has so much to work on and it is still unclear if he will be able to go back to work at Memorial Hermann. For now we are taking advantage of his insurance benefits and hoping they will be there for as long as he needs them. 

I sent in all the documentation they needed for us to file long term disability at work. I am praying and hoping that they will agree with us and we can still get his paychecks for a few more months. 

The medical bills are no joke, even though we don't have to pay the full price, it is still hard with half my income and almost half his income. The money that was donate on GoFundMe went a long way and we are so grateful for it but it is long gone now and I wonder everyday how are we supposed to  make it through the end of the year? But again all I need to do is trust that Heavenly Father knows our struggles and he will provide for us one way or another. 

Once Dan gets home and he is settled, I am hoping to extend my work hours, it all depend on how much he needs me right there. My plan is to be available for him for medication, trips to the bathroom and simply monitoring him so he is safe. He thinks he can do everything just  like before but he is not there yet and for his own safety we need to make sure he follows the procedures.

There is so much that goes behind closed doors when you are dealing with something like this. I wish I had more time write everything in detail so we can look back on it. He has said so many things that are funny, sad and frustrating that need to be written down but I don't want him to be embarrassed in the future.  I have 2 days to get thing ready around here and hoping that is enough time. I am nervous, excited and  a little bit scared. 

Raw Emotions

 During the last few months we have gone a huge change in our lives. I know everyone is aware and they can see it. Some times I sit there trying to figure out what the big idea is behind all the trials that we have faced. I definitely see that I have come back stronger from those trials but this one, this is one is really hard. I put on my brave face most days, I try not to think about the reality of our circumstances, try to concentrate on the progress that my husband is making and mostly being grateful that he is alive, that the kids still have him around and can talk to him, hug him and kiss him. 

The thing is when I get home, my person is not there anymore. You can't understand what I am going through unless you have experience the same thing. It is a lonely world, a house full of people but we are all trying to cope with what has happened. I hug my children, I talk to them but at the end of the day the one person I would confide my thoughts and fears is no longer lying next to  me in my bed. 

I see him about 2 hours a day every day except for the weekends because darn it I still have to work at my stupid job that does not pay enough but guess what? I have to be responsible. So I sit there and wonder why? why us? why me? We are not well off, our savings account is not happy, the bills keep coming and I keep worrying about how to pay them all. I do what I can and it doesn't feel like it is enough.

People tell me, take care of yourself or you will burn out. I am burned out, it happened 3 days after the stroke. I am running on fumes and though people are kind and want to help, what do you tell them? Come clean my house? do my laundry? clean my room? I can't do that, I can't. That is not what I need. I face a future that is so uncertain, the church is helping where they can but they can't pay all my bills. People tell me not to worry that there will be a way... I just don't see it, call it lack of faith or whatever, I call it reality. 

This is tough.

I post a lot about his milestones and progress that he is achieving but I feel it is sending the wrong message. Dan has suffered a stroke that damaged his brain in a way that he will never be the same. His memory is not his strongest suit right now. His recovery is going well but even after getting out of the rehab center, he will need a lot of help. He forgets he can't walk alone yet, he forgets he can't go to the bathroom by himself. He forgets his name, my name, the kids, where w live, where he was born, his siblings names, he forgets his dad is dead and that his mom no loner lives in VA. 

I am giving everything in me to make sure he gets better. It is exhausting and frustrating at times.  I have not lost my temper with him but he can tell when I get frustrated.

The one thing that really keeps me going right now is seeing his face when he sees me. It is pure happiness.  

Meanwhile I continue to pray to my Heavenly Father to keep sending those miracles, to help him to go back to normal as much as he can. To not leave me, to help me stay strong and focused. I need so much of his love right now. I feel lost most days but then I remember He is there and He is listening. 

Sunday's Visit

 

Yesterday we went to church with Tristan, Aaron and Kahlan. We stayed for sacrament meeting and sadly had to leave 10 minutes before the hour was up. I haven't been feeling that great and the chairs don't help. I wanted to have a real meal together as a family before I left for the hospital and thanks to my Insta Pot the meal was ready when we got home. After lunch I folded Dan's laundry and Shayna and I headed to the hospital for a visit with Dan. He was wearing his puffy mittens again and basically begged with his eyes to take them off. As soon as we do that he usually starts to lift the sheet and messes around with his diaper. We kept the threat of the mittens going back on him but he simply laughs. Shayna tried to play tic-tac-toe with him but he simply was not into it. We told him the latest news and watched some TV with him, told him jokes and of course he laughed a lot. He tried so hard to say something but the words are not coming out yet. 

The one thing that you can notice about him now is the weight loss. Specially on his legs and upper body. I think he is really hungry all the time and wishes he could eat food. I now the speech therapist said she wanted to have him eat a couple of meals a day and then do the tube feeding at night but I never see the nurses giving him food... I am too afraid to ask them because I don't want to annoy them but I do get concerned when I hear his tummy rumble. I have notice the nurses rather sit at their desk than come and check on him. I worry so much about everything, there isn't a monitor on him now so they can't know if he is in trouble or needs anything. He can't communicate with them so whatever he needs only happens to get done when they come check on his infusion or they need to administer another drug. I will check with the speech therapist next time I see him to make sure Dan is getting what he needs. 

Before we left I told Dan that maybe we would skip the visit for next day but I would try and come see him on Tuesday, he started to cry so I promised we would come today. I wish we could stay longer, that I didn't have to worry about laundry and all the other responsibilities I have at home but such is life. 

Yesterday was hard, actually the whole weekend was hard. Even when I took the kids to see their dad it was hard. I keep messing up, keep forgetting things, you name it it was not a good couple of days and on top of that we have a weird bug infestation in the kitchen. At first I thought it was the weevils  again but it wasn't, it was a mixture of carpet beetles and some other black tiny beetle. There were so many and it didn't matter what we sprayed it was not making them go way. I bought some traps and a spray specific for this kind of bug, moth balls and also went around the perimeter of the house to take care of it. It is taking longer than expected but I think slowly they are going way. Just what I needed...

My Husband the Stroke Survivor.

 I have not been back to my blog for a couple of years, life has been busy and I could not find the time to sit down and write anything at all. So much has happened since then but I will just start with out current situation.

On February 23rd Dan had a massive stroke. The day had started like any other day, him staying in bed before he had to start work. He was not even awake and I didn't kiss him like I usually do because he looked so peaceful. I did not want to go to the office that day. I had a nagging feeling to stay home but I knew my boss was going to be at the office and didn't want to disappoint him. I reluctantly got in the car and drove there, on the way I kept having the same feeling and even got into the Walmart parking lot because I was going to turn around and go home. Still the fear of having my boss mad at me was stronger than the little hints that were trying to get me to go back. I regret that so much...

In the end I ended up getting in the office and my boss never showed up. Around 12 I was going to go back home but decided to stay and have lunch at  the office. I kept messaging Dan and letting him know that I had a really bad head ache and was probably going to go home, he responded to my messages and even sent me some gifs. After 1:30 I never heard back from him and I  kept messaging him but didn't get anything back. I figure he got really busy with work. Fast forward to 3:00 pm which when I left the office and headed home, I was listening to music and happy to go home even if I had to work still. Right by the traffic light to turn into the neighborhood I get  call from "Amorcito" ( the nickname I have for him on my contact list) and I remember smiling because we were about to see each other again. To my surprise it was Kahaln using our Echo Dot and she was screaming, all I could hear was her crying and saying something about someone not waking up. At first I thought she was talking about our dog, Darcy. It wasn't the dog, to my horror she was talking about her dad and how he was down on the floor and his eyes were closed and not able to get up. She was so scared, crying and didn't know what to do. I told her to calm down, that I was about to get home, I was only a minute away. By this time it was already 3:25. When I got to the drive and saw my neighbor Miss Pena, I ran to her and begged her to call 911 because I didn't know what I was going to find in the house and needed someone to get an ambulance right away. I remember coming in the house and finding Kahlan crying, I ran to my room and heard the most awful sound that I will never forget. And that is what my Kahlan found, her dad making a horrible sound that was like a snoring but super loud. He was face down, Aaron was standing right next too him crying and talking to someone on the phone. At the time I didn't know it was 911. He kept saying he didn't know what to do. I took his ear piece from him and was able to hear the agent ont he line, I told him what I saw and asked Aaron to help me turn him over, it was super hard to do it but we managed it. He had a shirt on and his underwear on, he had vomit all over his face and his eyes were closed, the agent asked me what happened and I said "I don't know what happend, I just got home and found him" at that exact moement Dan lifted his arm and held my hand and then pinted to his head. I told the agent what he did and I told him that maybe he had a bad migraine. He proceeded to tell me we need to open up his airway and to lift his head up, I did exactly what he said until the firefighters showed up. I asked Aaron to call Shayna and tell her what was going on. I went down stairs to check on Kahlan and found my neighbour sitting on the chair with her. I went back up and stayed out of the way. the firefithers kept asking what kind of drugs he had taken and I simply told them we don't have drugs in the home, I ended up going in the closet so I could see them working on him and took the chance to call my brother and explained what had happened. They immediately started a prayer chain with my family in Guatemala. Then I called his boss to let her know what had happend, she said he had logged off because he was not feeling well. 

It seemed like an eternity before they were able to pull him out of the bathroom and taking him down. He was obviously over weight and too heave to bring the gurney up. Once he was down I tried to cover him up a little so the neighbors didn't see him like that. I know he would have hated to be exposed like that. They kept working on him out in the ambulance. Shayna and Victor made it home eventually and then Shayna went to pick up Tristan from school. We were all in shock, crying and worried about him. The ones that were in bad shape were Kahlan and Aaron.

Eventually Kahlan explained to me that she got home and Darcy was acting funny, instead of being excited that she was home, she kept barking and looking up at the ceiling. That is when Kahlan heard the noise and went up to see what it was. When she walked in and saw Dan's head she freaked out but thought he was playing with her and pretending to be dead. She talked to him and there was no response so she went to call me and use the Echo Dot for that, she then went to tell Aaron who had been home 10 minutes before her and he freaked out as well. He had the brilliant idea of calling 911, and honestly I think that the 3 of them were able to save his life, the dog, Kahlan and Aaron. 

Aaron could not shake the sense of guilt, he said he could hear the noise but never imagined it was his dad, he thoguht someone was working in the back yard using some kind of tool. 

I went to the hospital with Shayna and Tristan to see if we could see him. They didn't let us in and instead told us to wait outside. By this time everyone was aware of what was going on. I had texted Kylie and she in turn let Steven and Amber know, he then contacted some of his brothers I think. Jason and Tashia called, everyone kept asking me what they could do and all I could think of was prayers. 

Shayna and Tristan got hungry and we left to go to BK but a doctor finally called me and asked if I had any family with me and if I was sitting down. I parked and listen to what he had to say. He basically said something like "your husband is really really sick, probably the sickest person in Houston right now, I can't do anything for him here, he had a massive stroke and needs to be taken to another hospital so a neuro surgeon can operate on him. You are going to need a lot of help, arrange baby sitting and expect to be at the hospital for a long time".

He was going to be transferred to The Woodlands location where they have some of the best neuro surgeons in the area. So we went home and I dropped Tristan off. Shayna went to change her clothes and I went to clean our bathroom and floor since they were a mess. Victor helped me clean up some throw up off the carpet. It was so hard to be back in the bathroom and I simply threw myself on the last spot where my husband laid down. I had disinfected everything but the image of him being there will never go away, still today 2 months after the whole thing it still makes me really sad to think of him lying there with no help, probably praying that someone could find him soon. I know he was still aware of what was going on to some extent. 

Shayna and I eventually left for the hospital and got here around 9 pm. I was hoping we would be able to see him right away but when we got there we were told that he was not there yet. Doctor Al Shami who was the neurosurgeon on call that night came out to talk to us. He was not very hopeful of Dan's situation, he said he was very sick and it did not look good. The kind of stroke he got is one of the worst kind and the chances of survival were not very good. He basically told us to prepare for the worst, he kept saying he was sorry, specially after asking if we had any kids his face got even sadder. There was a storm that night and it took forever for the transfer to happen. When it did, they took him directly in for surgery and after it was done the same doctor came out and he said he would him a chance because he is so young. He put in a tube on his head to take care of the fluid in the brain. There are so many details that I have posted on Instragram and Facebook. I will add them on here eventually. I have tons of photos as well. 

Today he is at the TIRR rehab center in the woodlands. I believe we are entering his 3rd week of rehab. He is doing so much better and I truly believe that he is alive and recuperating due to the prayers from family and friend from all over. 

Whatever I thought was a huge trial in my life was nothing compared to this. My feelings are magnified but at the same time there is peace in my heart most of the time. I see the miracles each day I go see him. The days that I don't go are very few but I still have a job that needs to get done. My boss has been understanding in his own way. I know it is not ideal to have your full time employee go missing for a whole month and then return part time. As long as he lets me keep going I will do my best.

Life is hard, I don't get to rest, just keep going, keep swimming in this huge void and don't know where I am going but know that Heavenly Father is with me and leading the way. All I pray for is that Dan gets better, regains most of his abilities and then we can figure out what the next step is. We miss him so much and miss his voice, his dumb jokes and silly things he would come up with. 

My kids have been great, they are dealing with this the best that they can. I can sit here and say it is not fair, why us, why Dan? but it doesn't help. God knows I can't do this without him, so there must be  a plan for us right? I can't not see it right now but I know there is an end to this trial.