During the last few months we have gone a huge change in our lives. I know everyone is aware and they can see it. Some times I sit there trying to figure out what the big idea is behind all the trials that we have faced. I definitely see that I have come back stronger from those trials but this one, this is one is really hard. I put on my brave face most days, I try not to think about the reality of our circumstances, try to concentrate on the progress that my husband is making and mostly being grateful that he is alive, that the kids still have him around and can talk to him, hug him and kiss him.
The thing is when I get home, my person is not there anymore. You can't understand what I am going through unless you have experience the same thing. It is a lonely world, a house full of people but we are all trying to cope with what has happened. I hug my children, I talk to them but at the end of the day the one person I would confide my thoughts and fears is no longer lying next to me in my bed.
I see him about 2 hours a day every day except for the weekends because darn it I still have to work at my stupid job that does not pay enough but guess what? I have to be responsible. So I sit there and wonder why? why us? why me? We are not well off, our savings account is not happy, the bills keep coming and I keep worrying about how to pay them all. I do what I can and it doesn't feel like it is enough.
People tell me, take care of yourself or you will burn out. I am burned out, it happened 3 days after the stroke. I am running on fumes and though people are kind and want to help, what do you tell them? Come clean my house? do my laundry? clean my room? I can't do that, I can't. That is not what I need. I face a future that is so uncertain, the church is helping where they can but they can't pay all my bills. People tell me not to worry that there will be a way... I just don't see it, call it lack of faith or whatever, I call it reality.
This is tough.
I post a lot about his milestones and progress that he is achieving but I feel it is sending the wrong message. Dan has suffered a stroke that damaged his brain in a way that he will never be the same. His memory is not his strongest suit right now. His recovery is going well but even after getting out of the rehab center, he will need a lot of help. He forgets he can't walk alone yet, he forgets he can't go to the bathroom by himself. He forgets his name, my name, the kids, where w live, where he was born, his siblings names, he forgets his dad is dead and that his mom no loner lives in VA.
I am giving everything in me to make sure he gets better. It is exhausting and frustrating at times. I have not lost my temper with him but he can tell when I get frustrated.
The one thing that really keeps me going right now is seeing his face when he sees me. It is pure happiness.
Meanwhile I continue to pray to my Heavenly Father to keep sending those miracles, to help him to go back to normal as much as he can. To not leave me, to help me stay strong and focused. I need so much of his love right now. I feel lost most days but then I remember He is there and He is listening.
