My little rainbow child Kahlan

It has been a while since I have written anything about my kids. Mostly because I want to respect their privacy, they are not little people anymore, except for Kahlan. All my kids are getting so big and 2 of them are considered adults now.

I knew the day would come when they had to grow up and will eventually leave home... I hate thinking about that because I love having them close to me.

Well Kahlan is still my little girl, she is 9 and a half and full of energy and curiosity. She has shown her cute personality since she was little, though he has gotten a little bit more shy as she gets older she loves to make new friends.

This year since school has been online she has not gotten sick at all, it used to be a nightmare with her getting sick almost every other week at school. I have to say that we are enjoying not having germs coming around our home for months now. None of us has gotten a cold or anything like that.

Kahlan is in 4th grade now and we plan on keep doing online school for her until the district decides to have every child in person at school. She has learned a lot about zoom meetings, creating slides shows, writing stories, etc. She is very good at using the computer/chrome book... I guess all kids are by now. She knows more about computers than I ever did at her age. It is crazy to me because I used to tell my teacher in elementary school that I wanted to do something with computers in the future, mind you this is back in the 80s, I didn't actually touched a computer until age 13. How things change with time right?

As I mentioned before Kahlan likes to write stories, she started getting better at it this year and her teacher keeps praising her work. She loves writing stories about dragons and about her recent rip to Virginia in the summer. She misses her cousins and aunt Tashia specially. I hope she keep writing because the stories are very cute and she has a great imagination. When she is not doing school work or writing stories, she is reading comics, books and playing her favorite game on the tablet. She also enjoys drawing and is fascinated with drawing eyes specially. Her cousin Halley taught her how to make stickers with paper and packing tape. For a few weeks that is all she did and kept giving me her stickers, even selling them to me. I have my notebook covered in her stickers now. She is also crazy about Pokémon and playing Breath of the Wild (Zelda) on the switch. I try to limit the time she spends in front of a screen and beg her siblings to play with her outside but that is challenge now that they are all teenagers and rather listen to music or play on their phones.

When I have the energy we go outside and I watch her play, go on walks and might some times play badminton, she is still learning how to play that but is doing better. 

Another things she loves right is listen to music and many night I will find her way past her bedtime with the light on reading a book and listening to music. 

I adore her, she is such a cool little person with a big heart. She loves her Yaya and everyone in our family to death. Some times I feel bad that she never had a little play mate like her siblings did, and it hurts that our schedules really don't align with other friends so could hang out more. This pandemic has made things harder for Kahlan in the friend department.  I hope that some day things will go back to normal and she can enjoy seeing her friends at school and church. 

For now we will keep enjoying having her around the house with all her crazy ideas and energy.

School during the time of Covid-19

 I guess it would seem appropriate to make a record of our experience with Covid-19 and school. The kids started school weeks ago and they seem to be doing just fine. Kahlan has shown great growth this year, her writing is getting better and better and her teacher is noticing her efforts. She is writing a book about dragons based on a series that she read in the past. She comes to show me everyday a new chapter that she has written or changes she has made to it. All in all I think she is enjoying school online more than I thought she would. Not sure when she is supposed to officially be back at school but I will miss having her around the house showing me her drawings and crafts that she works on.

Aaron decided to join the football team and has been going to practice for 2 weeks now after school. He is in a A/B schedule, started online and now goes every other day to school. He is working hard on school assignments and looks forward to 3 pm which is when practice starts. He has gotten so big and it makes me feel better about him getting hit... still I worry. 

Tristan is also on the A/B schedule and they both will soon begin in person school every day. The 21st. is when they go back officially. They still need to wear their masks and try to social distance. Tristan I think is the one that has suffered the most with the lockdown. He loves being around his friends and the fact that he is in marching band makes it really hard, since they are not actually doing practices like they are supposed to and they wont be able to to go to away games to play. No band competitions is no fun. We waited so long to have him be in marching band only to see our dreams fall through the cracks. But he is enjoying the little time he gets to be with the band, he has been assigned a drum and practices as much as he can. School is going well for him overall. 

Victor has been looking and applying for jobs with no luck so far. It is a hard time to apply for jobs I think. Hopefully he will find something eventually. 

The rest of us adults are doing as well as can be expected. Some better than others. 

Hair Topper

Today I want to share about what I am using to hide my hair loss at the front/top. Like I said before there is no need to wear a wig at this point. I am so glad that there were options for early hair loss and I didn't have to actually wear a full wig.
I have to say that I started to freak out about 2 months ago and was worried that by this time all my hair would be gone. I am glad that is not the case.
With the new shampoo I am using there are some side effects that I am noticing. My hair is not as shiny as it usually is and it feels kind of rough if that makes sense. I like my hair to feel sleek and look shiny. So I am not sure that I will continue to use this shampoo as a long term solution, plus we don't know yet if it will help with new hair growth. I have noticed that it is giving me some extra volume so that's nice but I can still notice the spots where the hair is missing the most.
Bellow you can see what my hair looks like after I washed it and it air dried during the day.
It does not look that bad right now because the product is adding volume to my hair.

Now if you look at the crown of my head then that is a different story.

On these other pictures you can see what the topper does for me, I am doing way better with blending my natural hair with the hair topper and that makes me feel more confident about wearing the topper in public and even with my hair down.

Just wanted to update how I feel about this topper and I have to say that I love it. I don't know how long it will last or what will happen once I wash it... wish me luck with that.
I should be getting a package in the mail with the materials I need to make my own hair topper. I am braving this thing soon and I hope it works. My wish is that I can find good hair, that I can do the knots the right way and that I can "ventilate" the topper with no issues.
Ventilating (based on my understanding) is the art of making the hair lay in a way that will look more natural, so when you make the knots the a hair all lays the same way as it does on your natural hair. I have been watching a few tutorials on you tube but the there is one that goes into detail on  how to do it and I feel confident to take this project on.
I will update you once I find the right kind of hair. Hopefully human hair :)

Then and now

I want to document as much as I can in this journey of hair loss. I think it is really hard to understand and visualize what hair loss is for different people. I still have hair, less than before but I still have hair on my head. That might seem like "oh it is not a big deal" but once you really take a look at what my hair used to look like without the help of hair product then you can see the big difference. The 2 pictures bellow show you a healthy head full of hair, at this time in my life I was stressed out so stress was not a factor int he loss of my hair. As you can appreciate, there is a lot of volume on both pictures.

This is me today, 7 years after with no hair volume at all, the top of the hair definitely shows less hair. For a second I thought that maybe I was exaggerating but the difference is huge to me. I am thankful to to still have hair and it is super long and pretty still. I just feel that the loss is making my forehead look huge lol.
I was just looking through some pictures on Sunday and happen to notice the difference. It is crazy that this happened to me in the course of just 6 months, I mean that is when the most of the hair at the front started to fall off faster.
I started with the Keranique system on Monday, I can tell that the product is helping to give my hair more volume which is great, but hopefully I can see some hair growth in 3 weeks? I have no idea. Time will tell.

Documenting my hair loss.

Today I wanted to start documenting the hair loss journey for myself. The pictures that I will share on here make me geek uncomfortable but I want to be able to look back and see the difference in case the products I am using will actually work.
I got my package while we were on our trip to Virginia last week. I got Keranique shampoo, conditioner, a spray treatment and hair volumizing spray. Today is the first time I used this products. I hope they help.
Below you can see my scalp and all the hair that came off during my shower.

To say the least I am still saddened by all this and hopeful that I might be able to reverse it.

Hair Loss

Today I will be sharing something that is really sad and makes me feel kind of vain. I have always secretly loved my hair in a way. I was blessed with thick long hair and when I can tame it, it looks really great. I just had so much of it and was always complaining about it. When I was in high school I used to hide behind my hair, it was so thick and mostly wore it down so I could use it as a curtain to keep myself hidden and my classmates use to joke about it. After having kids my hair just kept getting in my way and ended up just doing a pony tail every day. A couple or years ago I noticed that my hair started to fall more and more, now looking back at picture I can tell that it was getting worse and worse. All of the sudden my hair just doesn't look right when I have it down, if I put it up in a pony tail it seems I have to wrap it more than 2 times which used to be my normal thing to do.
Fast-forward to a couple of months ago and the hair loss started to be more than I can handle. I have lost about 50% of my hair, it is not just in one spot but you can notice it more in the front around where I part my hair. I started washing my hair less and less in hopes that it will stay on my head longer.
I spoke with a person who is very close to me and she suggested I take Colagen Peptides. I have not been so good at remembering to drink that stuff but it is mostly because you have to mix it with water or any drink really... the kind that I got is really hard to mix with the water. I have to get better at it.
I started freaking out last week because you can see it more now and nothing I do helps to disguise it. So I came up with the idea that maybe a wig would be a solution. It took a lot in me to make myself go to the wig store, you know those places that sell all the hair supplies for African American women? I went with Shayna the first time to check out the products and walked around looking at all the different wigs they had, I had ordered a couple of wigs in online and was excited to try them on but needed some basic supplies to accomplish the look I was going for.
The wigs came and were total bust, I am sending them back and getting a refund. I did more research and found a seller on Amazon with an affordable wig and it actually came yesterday.
But let me take you back to Friday, I decided to go back to the beauty supply store and pick a simple wig, straight hair with the length being about the same as my hair.
I was excited to get home and try it. Funny thing is that Dan didn't know about my plans and I went in the room to see if he would notice anything... he didn't. Men right?
I took it off and hid it because I still didn't confident enough to wear it around my family or tell Dan what I was doing.
Yesterday afternoon I braved myself and told Dan that I had bought myself a wig and wanted to see his reaction... it wasn't that great, he laughed and asked why I would even wear a wig. I reminded him of my hair loss concerns and I just started crying and walked away to hide in Kahlan's room.
I get it, it sounds weird and if you don't see it, you probably imagine this ridiculous thing on my head. Well the wig is actually really thick and it is too much hair for me, but it is beautiful and Shayna helped me by sitting there while I thinned it out.. it still requires a lot of work. I cut it to the perfect length so that's good but still not ready to go on my head officially.
The one I got a the beauty supply works better, since it is straight hair, it is not as bulky and it has a more natural look. The boys didn't realize it was a wig, they all laughed as Shayna, Kahlan and Tristan tried it on, it made me feel better and hopefully Dan will learn to deal with it.
I still need to deal with it. The wigs are actually pretty cool and they have a prep-plucked hair line and part, they have a lace at the front so you can disguise it with make up and nobody can tell you have a wig on.
I need to add an elastic band so they can stay on my head a little better and it will be give me a sense of security while I am out not worrying that it will fall off.
This is a new chapter in my life, I hope this will pass and my hair will grow back again, more research will be done about vitamins or any magic pill out there that can help with that, but until then I want to feel normal again.
If my hair grows thick and beautiful again, I will ever complain about it...ever!!

House Projects

We have lived in this house for 12 years (almost) and we didn't really do much in all these years to spruce up the place.
First let me just start by saying that as much as I tried to keep things tidy, clean and free of clutter... having 5 kids makes it really hard.
I have friends who kept their house in top shape and kudos to them, my kids were very playful, full of imagination and crazy ideas. I let them try all kinds of things. Playing was part of learning and growing up. Things have broken down around here, like the dishwasher, the fridge and even our garbage disposal. We had to get a new one and then decided to get a new sink with it and it looks great. I guess our biggest change has been the new floors we got for downstairs, they are not wood but they look like it and it was really good quality. Our friend Jason who is a great handyman installed them for us and also our new front door about 2 years ago.
About 2 months ago I started to think that it would be a good idea to paint the house now, the walls that have been touched a million times by my litltles and not so litltles throu out all these years, those poor walls needed a pick me up. I started in the half bathroom downstairs. then I moved to the front room (foyer) and it loos really great. My next project is the front door actually, the outside really needs to get some color. I think it will look amazing when I am done with it.
 I had to fix some of the corners around the stairs area and the living room, they had lost the plaster with the baby ate we used to keep there, once I put the primer on I can continue to paint the rest of the walls downstairs.
I am actually looking forward to all the changes and making my house look like grownups live here haha.
That's it for now!

Trip to Guatemala (cancelled)

Last year I was able to finally get all my ducks in a row and was super excited to start planning my trip to Guatemala.
My mom was super excited and would give her updates on the progress I was making gathering what I needed to get my passport, buying the ticket and finally getting that date set.
My cousins were excited to know I was coming and were planning a big gathering with all of our family members so they could see me. My mom and I planned things to do, day trips to some special places and the food we would eat. I remember the week before I was supposed to leave, she told me about all the fruit she found and the meals she was going to prepare for me. At that point the virus was starting to spread faster and to many other countries... we were starting to feel a little worried that maybe the trip was not going to happen. Day by day we would update each other on what was going on. Finally things got more complicated and I decided that it would be best to postpone the trip, borders were starting to close and then finally Covid-19 cases started to show up in Guatemala. I made the tough decision to cancel my plans, with a broken heart but knowing that it was for the best. My cousins were devastated too but knew that it was for the best.
I moved my dates to the end of  May and now here I am 9 days away from my possible trip and it looks like we will have to move it once more.
I will be honest and say that this does not seem fair, but honestly when I think about it... my mom is healthy, no one in my extended family has gotten the virus and I pray they don't. As long as they are OK, my time will come and I will get to see them all again.
I am still super sad that this happened and things didn't work out the way they were supposed to. I don't understand why after so many years of trying to get back home, when it finally seemed so perfect, this happened. It doesn't seem fair.
My mom and I keep reporting back to each other on how things are going, everyday we do a check in. It is funny because it is always the same, but it makes us feel better knowing that we are OK.
So I guess, now I just wait and see if I can move my flight to maybe in the fall?  Crossing my fingers.

Dear blog,
It is May 21st of 2020 and it seems crazy to me that we are this far in to the year. This year was supposed to be different for me, this year I was supposed to go back to my home country and enjoy time with family, recharge my "chapina" batteries. Little did I know that life was going to take a turn for the worse.
We are living the crazy time of quarantine at home due to Covid-19. I have been working from home since March, my boss finally told my coworker (Jeremy) and I to leave the office that same day and start working from home then. We had set up an event for the following week and I was excited to see what "school" events were all about. Sadly all our plans had to be placed on hold and ever since we have been living a different kind of life... well for most people it is different, for us not so much. Dan and I enjoy just being home with the kids and after work we have our dinner and hang out with them if they feel like it.
The kids stopped going to school at the same time we did of course, Kahlan and Tristan were not so happy with the news but they have managed to survive without seeing their friends. The rest of the gang are OK not going to school.
Victor is graduating this year and it makes me super sad that we won't be able to have a normal graduation. The hope is that by July we can actually have a ceremony at the Turner Stadium right across the street from us, but is not 100% sure yet. Last week we were able to go get his cap and gown and that at least made it feel more normal.
About 2 weeks ago we went to get his Senior Pictures taken in Old Humble, he surprisingly has been enjoying the attention he has been getting with his "senior" status. We were invited to join a group on Facebook were people adopted kids to bring them goodies and to celebrate them because it really is sad that they can't celebrate like any other kids would have been able to.
He got little gifts, decorations outside and special treats from people that don't even know him. He loved everything!!
Victor has been sacrificing his space so that I can work from home, his room became my office during the day and have all my stuff on his desk. Dan is working in our bedroom and the kids spend most of their time watching show on TV, doing homework or playing games. Aaron and Kahlan had been getting in trouble for not doing all their work, but we are able to bring them back to where they are supposed to be.
Shauna continues to go to work, she is considered a "essential worker" at Cookie Crumble. People still went to the store during this pandemic.
Church has been different with us having sacrament at home, but it feels good that we are able to do that with our family. Victor, Tristan and Aaron take care of it every Sunday for us.
We try to keep FHE going every week, some times we fail. This Monday we went on a family walk, it felt good to have everyone with us. Shayna doesn't like going out on walks, specially when is hot outside but she came anyways.
I will try to write down everything that I can remember that has happened lately and what is really important to me. It might take a few posts.

Lost and found.

A post I wrote in the last 2 years but never published...

It has been way too long. I have started a post 3 times before in the last few years. I write them all up and then never publish them. I don't know why I even do that. No one will read my blog, no one has since I stopped writing.
You see what happened to me was a sad thing. I let the failures and really bad moments of 20014-2016 keep me down really bad.
All the struggles that we went through, all the dead end moments that I did not want to share with anyone, those were the things that kept me from writing and at the same time I think it could have helped me to stay a firm course and find more happiness in those bad moments.
Our lives were turned upside down and when I sit here and think of all the struggles, tears, and really low self esteem, it breaks my heart... at the same time I am amazed at how strong we were and somehow managed to keep crawling at times. Yes, it has not been easy but here we are, years lost, time lost in self pity, crying out loud and in secret. Yet we are still together, all of us, Dan and I and all our crazy kid. Those kids have seen us at our lowest and have seen us get up and keep going, it is because of them that we are still going.
I lost myself in this big mess, I tried so hard to remain the same, faithful to my testimony, my callings at church, my calling as a wife and mother, but something had to give.
I don't believe it is because of lack of faith that I find myself struggling now with the desire to continue going to church. I understand everything I need to do. I know everything I must do and will do. It is just so hard when you have tried so faithfully to keep going no matter what and then you find that all the trials were only for your own good, for our progress to continue.
Looking back at what I have taught my kids by my example, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I wasn't the best example but yet glad that during all of it, I did remind them to not loose hope, faith and that things would get better.
It saddens me that they had to deal with so much and face some awful truths. They will be better prepared for their futures, they know now that they can also be strong and get through tough times. I don't want them to face hard things in life but at least they know they will come and they will find a way to come out of them too.
I don't think it is healthy to hide things from your kids, they need to know how everything works, they need to also realize that even though life is hard it can also be enjoyed.
I think Dan and I have done the best we can out of everything that was thrown at us. I just feel so tired now, I think it is OK to feel tired and burned out. I might look like a failure but I don't feel like it most of the time.
You see I have decided to give myself some time to heal, I am allowing myself to say it is OK if I don't cook dinner every night, it is OK if the laundry piles up on my bench or laundry basket. I have taught my kids to fend for themselves when it is necessary and they help me so much.
In doing this, my brain is being healed and my body is getting a break from the hard work that it has done. I don't feel guilty when I don't attend social gatherings, it is OK to be absent every once in a while. What I won't allow myself is to stop going to church completely, I won't allow my family to skip Family Home Evening because it helps us stay together and share special moments.
I am prioritizing our time as family though, and that some times means we stay home on Wednesday night to be together and work on things we need to. I am hoping for more time reading the scriptures together, more time studying them and making our testimonies grow