Lost and found.

A post I wrote in the last 2 years but never published...

It has been way too long. I have started a post 3 times before in the last few years. I write them all up and then never publish them. I don't know why I even do that. No one will read my blog, no one has since I stopped writing.
You see what happened to me was a sad thing. I let the failures and really bad moments of 20014-2016 keep me down really bad.
All the struggles that we went through, all the dead end moments that I did not want to share with anyone, those were the things that kept me from writing and at the same time I think it could have helped me to stay a firm course and find more happiness in those bad moments.
Our lives were turned upside down and when I sit here and think of all the struggles, tears, and really low self esteem, it breaks my heart... at the same time I am amazed at how strong we were and somehow managed to keep crawling at times. Yes, it has not been easy but here we are, years lost, time lost in self pity, crying out loud and in secret. Yet we are still together, all of us, Dan and I and all our crazy kid. Those kids have seen us at our lowest and have seen us get up and keep going, it is because of them that we are still going.
I lost myself in this big mess, I tried so hard to remain the same, faithful to my testimony, my callings at church, my calling as a wife and mother, but something had to give.
I don't believe it is because of lack of faith that I find myself struggling now with the desire to continue going to church. I understand everything I need to do. I know everything I must do and will do. It is just so hard when you have tried so faithfully to keep going no matter what and then you find that all the trials were only for your own good, for our progress to continue.
Looking back at what I have taught my kids by my example, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I wasn't the best example but yet glad that during all of it, I did remind them to not loose hope, faith and that things would get better.
It saddens me that they had to deal with so much and face some awful truths. They will be better prepared for their futures, they know now that they can also be strong and get through tough times. I don't want them to face hard things in life but at least they know they will come and they will find a way to come out of them too.
I don't think it is healthy to hide things from your kids, they need to know how everything works, they need to also realize that even though life is hard it can also be enjoyed.
I think Dan and I have done the best we can out of everything that was thrown at us. I just feel so tired now, I think it is OK to feel tired and burned out. I might look like a failure but I don't feel like it most of the time.
You see I have decided to give myself some time to heal, I am allowing myself to say it is OK if I don't cook dinner every night, it is OK if the laundry piles up on my bench or laundry basket. I have taught my kids to fend for themselves when it is necessary and they help me so much.
In doing this, my brain is being healed and my body is getting a break from the hard work that it has done. I don't feel guilty when I don't attend social gatherings, it is OK to be absent every once in a while. What I won't allow myself is to stop going to church completely, I won't allow my family to skip Family Home Evening because it helps us stay together and share special moments.
I am prioritizing our time as family though, and that some times means we stay home on Wednesday night to be together and work on things we need to. I am hoping for more time reading the scriptures together, more time studying them and making our testimonies grow