Since I am sick and no willing do anything at all and basically just waiting for my medication to start working and get sleepy... I am going to bore you with my thoughts.
Last year was a tough year for me, I had a few challenges that broke me down to the core and thought that I would never be able to get up again and keep moving forward. When you add the extra things that life throws at you then it just seems like there is no end to your suffering.
I don't consider my trials and tribulations to be harder than anyone else but in my world they are mine to bear and mine to deal with so yes they seem big enough and more than I can carry at times.
In the process of getting myself to feel better I found out that if you let the Lord help you the load does become a little lighter, if you let people help you by listening then the load does get even lighter.
I have written this post so many times before but I kept myself from publishing it because I was so mad at the time and reading them again I can see that the place where I was hiding was not pretty at all.
First of all let me start by saying that I do not consider myself the perfect human being, I am far from it and I have never portrayed myself as perfect. If you take a good close look at me you can see that I am needy, whiny and annoying. My poor husband has to deal with me on a daily basis and that is how I know he loves me because he puts up with me other wise he is just plain crazy. I might seem a little over achiever at times, too much going on at once. Lots of projects in the works, lots of them sitting on my shelves undone and lots more in my head. I was telling a friend this week that this is my way of keeping things off my mind, if I think too much then I can go back to getting all depressed about my problems.
In the process of trying to find a good friendship I pretty much lost myself and affected my family as well. Last year I had a best friend and lost her all at once. It all happened so fast and it almost feels as if I was hit with something and suddenly I woke up trying to make sense of what happened.
It will forever be a mystery to me how things went so wrong so fast. For months I blamed myself for everything, things were said to me that made me feel less than scum, the behavior from this person showed to me that I was never a true friend to her and that all I had done that was good was being turned into evil somehow. I started to believe this person that I was not good enough, that I was a bad mother, wife and friend and thus had a bad husband, bad family and bad friends. The picture that was painted of me seemed like a monster and it scared me so much. That's when I hit the bottom and entered into what I could see as the beginning of a deep depression. I felt so alone even though I had my family right there with me. Sure I talked to Dan about it and he understood me and while trying to make sense of it seemed difficult to him too. I mean the whole thing affected the entire family.
I was spending my days laying down on the couch with no desire to do anything, talk to anybody, I just wanted to sleep every day for a long time. Eventually I told my mother about what was going on and slowly started to accept things as they were. My mom was able to point out that I was not that evil person I thought I was. I was able to go back and see how the evil had been done to me instead and how this person had so much poison to spread around about EVERY single person she came in contact with and that is how my eyes were opened. Finally it kind of made sense, after taking a hard look at the trail she had left behind I could see that others had suffered and were suffering just as I had been. It gave me the strength to rebuild myself and dig myself out of that hole that was not very pretty.
It took months to get better, Dan kept listening to me, my mom kept talking to me and cheering me up and although I had vow to never ever have friends again I let myself out of my shell and started to trust others again. I have found that there are some good people out there that are willing to listen and be kind and loving, people that are what they seem and do not hide behind a fake smile.
I had to be strong for my own daughter who ended up down the same path I did as her best friend happened to be my best friend's daughter and sadly chose to follow the same sick and strange behavior that was damaging not only to my kid but several other friends.
She is also struggling with this issues still but we are doing it together and coming out stronger than before.
So this is my story for last year, the one that will probably remain in my head so vividly and the one that has taught me so much in the end.
We truly need to remember to follow the commandments, to do onto others as we would like to be treated. Love one another... as simple as that.
And so my main goal for this year is exactly that, to be kind to others no matter what, not expecting anything in return just doing it because in doing so we are showing our love for Heavenly Father. I can only imagine how disappointed he was with me when my behavior was not what it should have been. I can only imagine how much he suffered as he saw me in pain because I could see that with my own kid.
This year I want to be able to look back 12 months from now and say that I was able to be kind to many and create a never ending chain of good deeds to others, I am going to be open to opportunities to serve and seek out those who are alone. I will surround myself with kind people to strive to lift others up not bring them down.
My goals are many but they are doable, I have written them down for my personal progress but this one on this post is my own personal theme for the year. I want to be better than I was last year, I want to do better.
