Children of Abuse

You might be wondering what kind of title is that and where I am going with it.  Yes I am one of those people with a big secret, a secret that I have tried to keep inside for so long and I have tried to share with only a few in the hopes that maybe it would go away somehow.
Recently a cousin of mine shared on Facebook about her alcohol addiction and I thought "Wow what a brave thing to do".  I could have never thought for somebody to be that brave and share something so personal with all of her friends and family.  It was part of her healing process.  I commend her for it and wish her the best.
Since then it made think about my own personal secret and how it has been following me around since I was a little girl so here goes my story.
Many many years ago I was a cute little girl (I really was).  I remember being a happy little girl who liked to play outside and talk to strangers, I used to be outgoing and liked it when people would stand around me watching me do the hula hoop.  That changed drastically after I was molested by my aunt's husband.  I still remember it like it was yesterday, the few memories I have of it at least.
I was probably 8 or 9.  My grandma lived in a big house that was owned by one of my aunts.  She lived there with her younger daughter and her family.  My aunt had two kids, a boy and a girl.  We used to go and visit them often and just hang out there all the time, specially after my dad died, that is why I don't exactly remember how old I was.  What I do remember is that this guy used to take me in the bathroom to do things he wasn't supposed to and in return he would promise to give me coloring books and crayons because he knew how much I liked drawing and coloring.  How did it start?  I don't know, I ask myself that same thing, I also wonder why did this happen in plain daylight in a house full of kids and adults, I mean where was my mom?
I know it happened more than once or twice even, for some reason my brain has put a cloud over those memories and I did not think of them until I was around 13 years old, all the memories came back to me one day and then I understood why I was not so trusting of  men and why I never wanted to be alone around them.  It is amazing what a person can do to avoid pain.  I think the memories came out because I was about to start middle school and I was going to have to go from an all girl school to a different school where boys and girls where in the same classroom and it freaked me out.
I never told my mom until I was 17 years old and the reason I told her was because I was going to start dating my first boyfriend and I did not know how to handle myself around him, meaning I did not know how I was going to deal with a relationship with a guy having gone through what I did.  My mom had no idea and was in shock when I told her, she blamed herself and asked me why I did not tell her before.  Good question... I never thought it was important to tell her because the damage was done and there was nothing she could to fix it, also because I had been threatened by the same guy that if I were to say something he would deny it and nobody would believe me because I was only a child and children lie all the time.
This guy stole from me my innocence, stole my childhood and the joy of being a kid.  He made me scared, he made me hide and made me feel dirty and worthless, I felt ashamed and guilty.
When it was happening at the time I thought that dads were supposed to act like that, I mean my father was gone and I did not know any better, plus when I asked him if he did it to his daughter his response was "yes", so obviously I thought that was normal.  Luckily for me he stopped after I asked him to, I am grateful that it never went beyond molesting and I think that is what worried my mom the most after I told her.
I never blamed my mom for what happened to me but I know she did and felt so bad about it because we still went over there for years, I kept my distance from him but I could see in his eyes that he knew that I was trapped and could not say a word.  My mom told me that another cousin of mine had said something like that once but nobody believed her and that tells me that he was definitely abusing his rights as an uncle in the family and getting away with it.  That made me sick.
I still can't remember everything and I wish I could for some dumb reason, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to be braver and that I could say no the first time it happened, but I can't.
I think it was years ago that somebody told me he died as a bum on the street, I never hated the guy and I can honestly say that I have forgiven him for what he did to me but the hardest thing is living knowing that it happened and I don't know how to make it go away.  I tried therapy at school for a while but I felt weird telling a stranger about it.  I found a friend that went through something similar and we have talked about it and helped each other out, she gave me some books to read and they helped a little but I honestly think it will never go away.
When I was 15, I talked to my bishop at church about it, I mainly did it because I could not remember if this had happened before or after my baptism, I honestly thought that it was my sin and I wanted to repent.  My bishop explained to me that it was not my sin and that I should learned to trust in the Lord to make the pain go away.  I have done that, but the problem is that you can't forget and that is when the pain comes back and it haunts you and it wont leave you.
Why am I even writing about this, because my fear now is for my own kids.  How do you protect your own kids knowing that there are evil people out there ready to jump at the first chance they get to take their innocence, how do I protect my kids when they are far away from me?  I have lived in fear all my life because of it, I have found myself in situations when I can tell somebody is trying to do something, I must confess that some times I see things that are not there, but others I know they are true.  I have a 6th sense about this and it is because it happened to me.  I don't want to over protect my kids but just the thought that somebody could see my Shayna the way a family member looked at me scares me to my very core.
I have prayed about it, I have talked to Shayna about it and my boys too.  They might be sick of it but they have to know that there are predators out there ready to take them down.
I recently watched a documentary about a couple of sisters that were molested when they were kids by a family friend.  They made the film hoping that it would help them heal their wounds and they went to look for the guy 25 years after it had happened.  While watching the documentary I could relate to them so much and understand why they were doing it, is not that you want to relieve the moment but you do want to know what they did and why they did it.  They also wanted him to know how much he hurt them and how they had been carrying this pain with them all their lives.  It was very interesting to watch and in the end they talk about how it did help them to overcome some issues in their lives and moved on.  I guess that is the one thing I don't have because I never confronted that guy and was never able to understand why me.
I still feel scared, I still don't like to hang out around men ( for example the pest control guy) and it takes a lot of me to trust somebody.  I know that I am the way I am because of it and my lack of confidence and low self esteem are because of it.  I am not ashamed anymore, I know it was not my fault because I was only a child who was trusting a person that I should have been able to trust.  There are so many of us out there, we keep quiet, we keep our secret because it brings shame to our families and nobody is supposed to know these things but if we don't speak out somebody else is going to get hurt. 

Summer is over!

It has been a busy summer for the Brown household and by busy I don't mean going places, vacationing in a different state or anything like that.  Nope, it wast just a nice summer filled with days going to the pool, park, hanging out at home, watching movies, playing games and of course fighting and getting punished a lot.
I started the summer with the traditional "take the toys out of the room" routine.  I was not going to have them make a huge mess that never gets picked up.  Of course they found ways to make their rooms messy but it wasn't as bad.  We went to the pool many times, more that we have in the past and we did struggle with the new poo rules but managed to come back and still enjoy our time there.  Dan was forced to join us at least once this year.  Highlights of the pool were Kahlan in her cute pink floating device and Tristan and Aaron learning how to swim on their own with no fear, the no fear part was kind of scary for me :)  Victor was also getting better at swimming and dared to go in the deeper side of the pool.  Our visits to the park were minimal due to the horrible heat that we have been experiencing but we did go a few times.  We were able to enjoy going to the movies a few times too.  We took our slip and slide out to the front yard and enjoyed watching the kids run and get wet.  There was one time that Dan mowed the lawn and then jumped with the kids on the trampoline and I turned the sprinklers on for them, they had so much fun playing that day and must confess that I to joined them in the wet mess.
Our Virginia cousins came to visit, grandma came to visit, it was just very nice for us this year. So here are a few pictures of what we did all summer long.

 

 One day after work Dan took us to the go cart track and we took turns riding with the kids.

 Shayna and Victor enjoyed going on their first ride by themselves.

 Dan jumping with the kids on the wet trampoline.

 For Father's day he got a Skittles neck tie.

 Victor went to Scouts Day camp for the second year in a row and I made him a special bucket with a cushion so his behind could be comfortable.  I did not go this year as a volunteer so this is the only pic I have of him.

 Here are the kids enjoying the slip and slide while Victor was gone for the day.

 For the 4th of July we ended up staying home so we did a bunch of activities with the kids and we also built a cool 3d puzzle of the white house.

 I took the kids to the library for special events, one day they got to see a brand new fire fighter truck.

 They played with glow in the dark sticks at night.

 Our 3 year old turtle Franlin died on a Sunday morning... so so sad.

 They played with Legos, Playmobile and this cool dollar store connector things, they are lots of fun and cheap.

 Here is Aaron's crazy creation.


Kahlan enjoying the pool.  I personally did not want to put her in the pool yet, but with the new rules I could not keep myself out of the pool while the little ones where in with the floating devices, so we got this hot pink floating device for her and she loved it.

 One afternoon we played with plasticine, I used to play with it when I was little, it is messy and you have to be careful with your clothes or it will stained them for ever and it gets on the carpet too.  I do like it better than play dough because it doesn't dry.  Later that day they made movies with their creations.

 They spent days playing with their car tracks.

 Kahlan learned to crawl in the middle of the crazines.

 We built a mosaic on our dinning room window for a Family Home Evening activity.

And this is how it tuned out.
I sure hope they enjoyed their summer, I am all out of energy and ideas so I am really glad summer is over.  I will miss my kids but I really need a break!

Shayna's thoughts in the middle of the night.

I often wonder what Shayna is doing in the middle of night in her room, she always has the light on and some times obviously listening to music or reading but others she is just laying there staring at the ceiling... then this morning she came down with a paper and gave it to me, this is what it said:

*I am not really sure she came up with is all by herself so I am not giving her full credit but is funny none the less.

-If you try to fail but you succeed, which one did you do?
-If a store is open 24 hours a day, everyday of the year, why is there a lock on the door?
-Why do we park on the driveways, but drive on parkways?
-Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-Why do our noses run but feet smell?
-why does quicksand work slowly?
-Why do we wash towels after we take a shower?  aren't we clean?
-Why are apartments called apartments, if they are all together?
-Is it good if a vacuum sucks?
-Why is it called after dark, if it is after light?
-How come Mickey Mouse is taller than Pluto?
-Does water sink or float?
-What color does a smurf turn if you choke it?
-How does a towel get wet while it's drying?
-why does a shadow need light to be seen but when you shine a light on it it goes away?

-

Couponing is so fun.

OK so I am still not that crazy with my coupons but I sure love it when I save over %50 of my purchases.  Based on what I bought today I saved $75.00 and spent under $50.00
I had actually planned one trip to CVS today but there is a Walgreens on the way there and a Dollar General store too.  Since I had already gone through the sales papers I had an idea of what I wanted to get and I scored big time on diapers (which were very much needed), lip balm, body wash and dish washer detergent.  I was literally out of dish washer detergent and knew somewhere they had to have the product on sale.  Dollar general was probably the best thing today because I had collected a few gift cards by buying items there so I had plenty to cover the bill, I only payed $3.25 for everything.  CVS didn't failed either.  I was going to buy some make up items but in the end it came down to what I really needed so I walked away from it.  I know I could save even more money but it would require so much more time and I really don't want to do that. I am very happy with how I shop right now and if it helps me from having to buy these items regularly and just every couple of months then I will continue to do that.  I have my limits as to how much stuff I want to store so when I reach it I get rid of the coupons and the temptation to buy more is gone.  My kids sure love the things we get now and that makes me happy.  Shayna is still a great help organizing my coupons and collecting them from the neighborhood, although today she got a little lazy and threw away over 20 coupons in the trash... if you are wondering yes I searched in the trash can for them and found them all.

My "Extremely Small" baby at 6 months.

Kahlan turned 6 months old on July 20th, being the great mother that I am she saw the Dr. yesterday.... I was busy having fun with family visits and things like that and did not make an appointment until this week.  I am happy to say that she is almost 15 lbs without a diaper, almost 25 inches long if she had let the nurse unbend her legs and altogether a very healthy baby, small but a normal healthy baby.
The doctor we got this time was so fascinated with Kahlan and so was she, they immediately started to bond and smile at each other, basically Kahlan wanted to go see her as soon as she came in the room which is kind of weird because it takes a while before she can be that friendly with somebody new.  She would not let the Dr. check her ears and in fact she cried about it very loudly but after that she went back to happy baby mode.  She even did a little demonstration of her crawling abilities for her.  I was told that she seems like a happy baby and just very curious and active... like I need to be told about that.


Kahlan is a very active little baby who can't wait to move like her siblings do, she wants to go go go all the time.  She used to hate tummy time but I think it payed off after all, she was been crawling around since the beginning of the week and keeps getting better at it.  Her favorite thing to do while on the floor is to look for electrical cords to start chewing on them.  We have noticed for a while now how she can concentrate on one thing and wont stop trying to reach for it until she gets it, even if you hide it she is still looking for it.  When she sits on my lap she is constantly moving, I secretly call her my OCD baby because she will repeat the same actions over and over again and it goes something like this:  sit on the lap, turn, reach for something in particular, I place her on my lap again, she turns, she reaches again and it happens again and again and again... you get the idea.  She even did that at the Dr. while we were waiting to go it, she would touch the wall, then the window, then turn to play with the diaper bag and turn to touch the wall again.  It is very weird and funny at the same time.
The kids are still in love with her and Victor started to play more with her, I think he likes how she is moving all over the place now.  Tristan and Aaron on the other hand still lover her too but are getting a little tougher with her and I don't like it, I can see them trying to pull the arms harder or pinch her chicks harder too, I catch them in time but it worries me when I go out of the room for some reason and they stay with her.
Kahlan is still a great sleeper and loves taking naps, she takes one in the morning for 2 hours and one in  the afternoon for another two hours, still sleeps through the night in her own crib and if she wakes up she is always entertaining herself.

She started to eat oat meal cereal and likes it better than rice cereal, started to drink apple juice but does not think it's the greatest thing in the world, all the other baby food is still OK but I can tell that she knows what real food is and that is what she wants.
She does not have any teeth yet but is still showing signs of discomfort with her gums, it has been bothering her for about 3 months now and is really annoying.  Still poops once a week and it is a big explosion when she does go.  She is finally wearing 6 months old clothes, some fit, some don't... but I have to try them anyways because so far she has outgrown a few outfits that I thought were too big.  She looks so cute in everything we put on her.
So that is the update for my little baby, we know she is small, but we love her like that and you know what?  We think she is absolutely cute and perfect the way she is.


She loves the pool and to play in her floating device.  She actually can reach the bottom of the kiddie pool so she walks all over the place.

Don't get me started.

Some weeks are harder than others for me.  I can take a beating and keep going like nothing is wrong with me but when things keep happening to me there comes a time when I kind of blow up and it is not fun.  I can see that my frustrations affect my poor family because I start acting out and taking it out on the kids or my husband.  What I mean is that yes my kids frustrate me and so does my husband (I am absolutely sure that I annoy him too) but when I am dealing with things on the side everything else gets magnified 100 times.
Last week I had set a goal for myself and I feel like failed it, I probably did 50/50, still not the results I was looking for but it is a start, that had me frustrated, then something happened.  Somebody made feel like my life is not worth anything and I might be exaggerating things, but that is really how I felt.  Do you know what it feels like when you plan your week ahead and you fully compromise to do something with somebody and then that somebody changes things without letting you know?  It is so annoying and the sad part is that it seems like that person didn't even know what she was doing, or did not think that my life was important enough to let me know of the change so that I could adjust to the new situation.
It kills me that people can not see it, can not see me, HELLO I am standing right there in front of you and yes I am a person too, a person with feelings and a person that already has issues about being invisible.  I am a person with the difficulty to speak out for myself and let you know that when you do something like that I die a little bit on the inside.   I do want to make it clear that I also understand that things come up and I am not the most important person on the face of the earth but still.
The sad thing is that it is not the first time something like this happens to me, it happens at least once a week.  Invisible me trying to be friendly with people, trying to start a conversation only to be left on the side of the hallway ignored, even a simple hi to somebody goes unnoticed (I am not that quiet you know) or even better, me already having a conversation with somebody but then somebody else shows up and then I am left there talking to myself because apparently the other person is more important, but what happened to people being polite and excusing themselves because they have to leave and maybe they can continue the conversation later or just a simple "sorry I have to leave now" could do.... no, not important for that.  But my all time favorite is the one when I am having a conversation with somebody and then  somebody else comes to stand in front of me to start talking to the other person, seriously how rude and they don;t even include you or anything.  Some times Dan is there standing next to me and he notices it, we just look at each other and smile, he knows all to well how it is because it happens to him too. That is why we don't go to the ward socials...
I was literally in tears this week, feeling sorry for myself, feeling mad and frustrated and all I wanted to do was go somewhere to clear my head, I felt stupid, I felt smaller than a bug.  I felt humiliated and ignored.  At the end of the day it was nice to know that Dan is always there for me and that he is truly my only friend, my best friend and that I really do not need anyone else to hang out with, why do I need "friends" if they are just pretending they care, why do I feel the need to go looking for them when obviously they are too busy with their own lives and have no time for me?  I don't know how I ended up in this situation again, after two years of really not caring about it anymore, I guess it is time to go back to making myself invisible on purpose, it works better that way, the less I deal with people the less I get hurt.

PS Just for future reference and in case a friend of mine reads this, this was not about a pool outing :) 

The need to be kind.

As we read the scriptures and listen to the talks at church or during conference we find that there is something that is required of us.  I have a hard time these days trying to be kind towards others, mainly because I have been attacked so many times by the same people and I have turned the other cheek many many times...  I have been having a strong feeling that I need to work on it really hard, especially because I have been placed in a situation where I HAVE to talk to this person that I know does not like me and I am not sure how I feel about "the person" either.  Dan told me a long time ago that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor and I am beginning to think that he is right, that or he is telling me very loudly that I must be friends with this person.
I am an easy going person, I usually don't have problems with anybody unless they do something to annoy me, I give them the benefit of the doubt but this person really gets under my skin.  But I will try and I won't give up, although I am pretty sure that it will be hard and I must bite my tongue so the mean comments that I might want to say won't come out.  I can do that... I think.  That will be my personal goal for this month, I am hoping that something good will come out of this and maybe I will be able to blog about it later. Or I could always use some strange advice given to somebody I know... "fake it until it becomes real"