Some weeks are harder than others for me. I can take a beating and keep going like nothing is wrong with me but when things keep happening to me there comes a time when I kind of blow up and it is not fun. I can see that my frustrations affect my poor family because I start acting out and taking it out on the kids or my husband. What I mean is that yes my kids frustrate me and so does my husband (I am absolutely sure that I annoy him too) but when I am dealing with things on the side everything else gets magnified 100 times.
Last week I had set a goal for myself and I feel like failed it, I probably did 50/50, still not the results I was looking for but it is a start, that had me frustrated, then something happened. Somebody made feel like my life is not worth anything and I might be exaggerating things, but that is really how I felt. Do you know what it feels like when you plan your week ahead and you fully compromise to do something with somebody and then that somebody changes things without letting you know? It is so annoying and the sad part is that it seems like that person didn't even know what she was doing, or did not think that my life was important enough to let me know of the change so that I could adjust to the new situation.
It kills me that people can not see it, can not see me, HELLO I am standing right there in front of you and yes I am a person too, a person with feelings and a person that already has issues about being invisible. I am a person with the difficulty to speak out for myself and let you know that when you do something like that I die a little bit on the inside. I do want to make it clear that I also understand that things come up and I am not the most important person on the face of the earth but still.
The sad thing is that it is not the first time something like this happens to me, it happens at least once a week. Invisible me trying to be friendly with people, trying to start a conversation only to be left on the side of the hallway ignored, even a simple hi to somebody goes unnoticed (I am not that quiet you know) or even better, me already having a conversation with somebody but then somebody else shows up and then I am left there talking to myself because apparently the other person is more important, but what happened to people being polite and excusing themselves because they have to leave and maybe they can continue the conversation later or just a simple "sorry I have to leave now" could do.... no, not important for that. But my all time favorite is the one when I am having a conversation with somebody and then somebody else comes to stand in front of me to start talking to the other person, seriously how rude and they don;t even include you or anything. Some times Dan is there standing next to me and he notices it, we just look at each other and smile, he knows all to well how it is because it happens to him too. That is why we don't go to the ward socials...
I was literally in tears this week, feeling sorry for myself, feeling mad and frustrated and all I wanted to do was go somewhere to clear my head, I felt stupid, I felt smaller than a bug. I felt humiliated and ignored. At the end of the day it was nice to know that Dan is always there for me and that he is truly my only friend, my best friend and that I really do not need anyone else to hang out with, why do I need "friends" if they are just pretending they care, why do I feel the need to go looking for them when obviously they are too busy with their own lives and have no time for me? I don't know how I ended up in this situation again, after two years of really not caring about it anymore, I guess it is time to go back to making myself invisible on purpose, it works better that way, the less I deal with people the less I get hurt.
PS Just for future reference and in case a friend of mine reads this, this was not about a pool outing :)
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