After working for a year full time it finally caught with me and the house, the kids and my poor body and mind started to feel the effects of it. I honestly don't know how other women do it. Working full time and having a big family do not mix well for me. I tried, I mean I really tried. There were morning when I just did not want to get out of bed and face the reality, leaving my little girl at someone's house even this this house was a safe place where she is loved immensely.... I just could not do it anymore. She missed me and I her.
As mush as I tried to organize myself and the teach my kids how to keep up with everything it was hard. The poor kids did a lot of growing up this last year. They became more responsible, they looked after each other and prepared meals for themselves. Even now they still make their own lunch to take to school.
Life was pretty hard, I only got to see my kids for a couple of hours, some times even just half an hour on my late days. I missed tons of school events and was not keeping up with their homework assignments. Aaron is doing great in school but compared to where his siblings were at his age, he still has a lot to do, I know he can do much better. They are all very smart, they work hard at school and are for the most part responsible but I know that me not being home made it easier for them to "forget"about some assignments.
The other hard thing for me was when my kids were sick, I wasn't able to stay home with them some times, it broke my heart. At work they don't really care if your kid is sick puking his guts out, no sir, they want you there 100% making the calls that will bring them thousands of dollars into their clinic and you are not allowed to be distracted or even think about your sick child...
Figuring out meals was extremely hard too, I mean you have to shop based on your recipes or your have to cook based on what you have on hand, shopping??? yeah I hate it now. It was not enjoyable to come home change my clothes cook a mean and then go out shopping for the things we were missing for the next few days. some times I stopped on the way home but it was hard because all I wanted was to go home and relax with my family.
I know I am a failure because I gave up... I just could not do it anymore. The idea was to help Dan with the bills but after paying for gas, food and daycare it was becoming impossible. It was not worth it to keep going through the whole thing and not being able to enjoy the little money.
I kept feeling my place was at home, for months I struggled with this idea but did not want to bring it up with Dan because I knew he would stress a lot. I mean, why would I cut our income by a third? I probably wouldn't seem fair to him. But the thought came coming back to me, so I did what I knew would be best.
I went to the Temple, fasted and prayed for weeks.... the answer was peace in my heart whenever I thought about it. Now the hardest part was to let my employers know about my decision and I knew I was going to be judged for it. First of all they already think I am crazy for having 5 kids so that was not fun. Indeed when I told them about it they could not believe it, one of the doctors actually I don't think she cared that much, right after I told her she made the manager write a post online about my position being available, not even 5 minutes after I talked to her. The husband though tried to keep me and offered me a raise but I just could not do it. There are many reasons why it was just not going to work for me.
So the date was set, I gave them my last date for work, September 18th. I was excited to go to work for the last time, the doctor even game me a free root canal before I left that day. I was ready to text Dan about it and let him know I was OK when I saw his text...."They let me go"
You can imagine what a crazy moment that was in my head. I was in the bathroom when text showed up on my phone. I was numb still from the anesthesia and tears started to come down my face. I tried to stay strong and not cry, started to walk to the back of the clinic when a fellow employee asked me what was wrong and I lost it. The doctor found me and had me sit down, I tried to tell him what happened and I know he was talking but I wasn't listening. All I now is that he told me I could come back on Monday but I know he was just being nice, he had hired two people already, one took my position and the other one was starting on Monday. I appreciate his kindness but know his wife would not had approved of it. I told him that I had to leave right away, my face was a mess, could not stop crying and just had to leave that place. Drove home to find Dan's car in the driveway already. Of course my mom had no idea what was going on and I had to tell her, Victor was standing there too and it broke my heart to tell him what was going on.
The thing is, this is all super crazy right? I mean, my last day at work, his last day at work, one planned and the other one a complete surprise...
I still try to wrap my head around the whole thing and can't understand what happened. Dan and I spent the afternoon in our room on our bed, crying, laughing and planning our next move.
I am happy to say that was the only day I cried, it has been a month and to me that is a big deal. I am a big baby, can't help myself.
Last year when Dan was unemployed for almost 6 months it was hard, I cried almost every day. I felt so alone and depression hit me hard.
I know it is all because of prayers, the way I am praying this time around is mostly to keep myself collected, feel peace and calm, I am able to get up and be positive and hopeful. I know Dan is doing a lot better too. We both are taking care of each other and making sure everything is in control. He still supports me with the idea of staying home with the kids, at least until Kahlan starts Kinder next fall, I know it will be easier to find a part time job somewhere and help the family that way.
Dan has been working hard on applying for jobs and we are hoping something will work out soon.
I am not losing the faith, I know Heavenly Father has something planned for us, even with our broken van right now, I know there is something better for us, life is hard yes, but I feel my Savior, holding me tight, telling me it is going to be OK, wrapping me in his arms and making things better.
This is the hardest thing we have had to deal with as a family, I mean the kids know exactly what is going on and they hurt too, they are just as scared as we are and it is because of them that I am trying to stay strong.
I am grateful for the family and friends that I have, for their support and concern and their prayers, I am sure that is how we are able to keep going too.
So for now we keep praying and doing the things we are supposed to do, we keep trying to find the good side on everything and appreciate the little things in life. I have laughed more in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last year, that means something right?
