It's not a good thing for me to be up late at night, my brain keeps on thinking and thinking noon stop. I have the TV on but not really watching, I must look like a zombie scrolling down my newsfeed on Facebook, trying to find something that might cheer me up. There are a few quotes and pictures of friends and family that make me feel even worse because they are having a great time. I am not jealous, never have been jealous of other people's headlines, it just makes me think of the times we won't have with Dan in the months to come.
On Sunday, our last Sunday together Shayna had a little breakdown during the sacrament hymn. She loves to sit next to me or Dan every Sunday and when she sits next to him they have their little games going on, it's kind of cute. She suddenly got up and left, I thought she was sick but when I finally found her in the bathroom crying. She was so sad thinking of how she will miss his silly jokes and games. It was heart breaking. Needless to say Dan and I were a mess during the rest of the sacrament meeting. She isn't the only one who is having a hard time, the boys do to and I know that when Saturday comes around it will be really hard.
I am a mess now, I can't imagine what Saturday will be like. Oh please give me strength!
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Monday, February 1, 2016
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
Daniel got home today after a long day of training, so happy I didn't have to drive down there to pick him up. After dinner we sat down for an impromptu lesson for Family Home Evening, I took charge of it and kind of taught them a lesson I was taught when I was in my teen years.
It was about how trials and hard times help you get stronger, using a piece of paper by itself I showed them how it was not strong enough to carry a lot of weight between two cups, as we went around and listed our own trials in life a fold was made on the piece of paper until each of us shared at least two experiences. I have to say the kids came up with some good trials. In the end the piece of paper was placed on top of the two cups and was able to hold the weight of a Wii control ( I never doubted it would work of course) and the kids were surprised that it worked. So the idea is that in order for you to become a strong person you have to go through all these experiences in life, just like Joseph Smith did when he has younger and was persecuted and eventually killed, his mission on this earth was a special and meaningful one. I was able to make my point across by using my personal experience of not having my dad around when I was growing up and finding my own strengths with that experience. During the lesson I was obviously crying, if you have been around me then you know that is what I do best....
We are going through some hard times, I never imagined my life would get so hard. I am not alone, my husband is right beside me and 5 lovely kids who look up to us. At times I have felt so mad and frustrated, even gotten mad at Heavenly Father for the experiences in the last couple of years but I know that years from now we will look back and see why we had to go through it.
Now long story short this is what is happening with our family:
Dan lost his job last September, it came out of nowhere and it was devastating, I am surprised at how I was able to deal with it the second time around, two years ago was a nightmare, I cried almost every day for 2 months, we didn't seek help until it was too late.
My poor husband has been trying to get a job, he did it all, applied and interviewed only to get back a "thank you but no thank you" every single time.
I can say that it is really hard to see your husband feel so down, I know he has felt less than zero and there is nothing I can do or say anymore that can change that, but I keep trying anyways because I know what a smart, hard working person he is. I don't understand it, really can't grasp the idea that he sacrificed almost 5 years of his life to get his degree with the hope that things were going to get better in the end, I guess we just keep going on this tunnel and keep folding our page to make it stronger. He didn't give up, he had to get a job because once again we ran out of time. He is currently training with a trucking company, he will be training for two more weeks and after than he will be gone for a long time, at least 3 weeks at a time. This is our life now, surprisingly I am starting to accept this, it is what it is and there is nothing we can do to change it. I know he will do great, he has already passed all the tests and got a truck today for the first time and did a great. Tomorrow he will actually get to drive around on the road and see what is like.
He can't look for another job, he will be locked into a contract for a whole year and after than he can look for something else, closer to home where he won't have to drive as far or he won't be away from home as much.
Our kids are well informed of our current situation, we don't hide it from them, they understand and I am grateful they are such good kids.
Back to the lesson now, after I was done Shayna took my piece of paper and cut it up and showed us hoe if you try to make a necklace from it it is too small and it only fits one person but if you cut it in a special way you can fit the entire family in it, together we can do it... what a great ending to our lesson.
A couple of weeks ago I was writing my post but never published it, I was letting myself go into a deep depression, I could feel it and it wasn't pretty. I did have a little breakdown today but quickly got over it and felt that my Heavenly Father was comforting me.
I am proud of my husband, he is a great guy. I feel bad for him because he deserves a lot better and I am sure it will eventually get better, I support him 100% with everything he does.
All we can do now is keep going, keep getting stronger and it will be my job to hold down the fort while he is gone, I have awesome kids that will help me and together we will survive. I know our HF will be there for us, always has been. I pray that Dan will be protected during his travels and thankfully there are so many things out there to keep in contact with him. I am sure we will have a great time video chatting and talking on the phone.
Lastly I just want to share on here how grateful I am for the kindness that was shown to our family during this difficult time, texts, calls, messages, our home teacher who came over one night to give us an envelope with money so we could have a good Christmas, we also got another envelope in the mail from who knows who and it also contained money which was a great help at the right time. The church provided food for our family and we were able to use the Bishop's store house to keep our pantry well stocked with the basic necessities and some bills too. Huge blessings!
It was about how trials and hard times help you get stronger, using a piece of paper by itself I showed them how it was not strong enough to carry a lot of weight between two cups, as we went around and listed our own trials in life a fold was made on the piece of paper until each of us shared at least two experiences. I have to say the kids came up with some good trials. In the end the piece of paper was placed on top of the two cups and was able to hold the weight of a Wii control ( I never doubted it would work of course) and the kids were surprised that it worked. So the idea is that in order for you to become a strong person you have to go through all these experiences in life, just like Joseph Smith did when he has younger and was persecuted and eventually killed, his mission on this earth was a special and meaningful one. I was able to make my point across by using my personal experience of not having my dad around when I was growing up and finding my own strengths with that experience. During the lesson I was obviously crying, if you have been around me then you know that is what I do best....
We are going through some hard times, I never imagined my life would get so hard. I am not alone, my husband is right beside me and 5 lovely kids who look up to us. At times I have felt so mad and frustrated, even gotten mad at Heavenly Father for the experiences in the last couple of years but I know that years from now we will look back and see why we had to go through it.
Now long story short this is what is happening with our family:
Dan lost his job last September, it came out of nowhere and it was devastating, I am surprised at how I was able to deal with it the second time around, two years ago was a nightmare, I cried almost every day for 2 months, we didn't seek help until it was too late.
My poor husband has been trying to get a job, he did it all, applied and interviewed only to get back a "thank you but no thank you" every single time.
I can say that it is really hard to see your husband feel so down, I know he has felt less than zero and there is nothing I can do or say anymore that can change that, but I keep trying anyways because I know what a smart, hard working person he is. I don't understand it, really can't grasp the idea that he sacrificed almost 5 years of his life to get his degree with the hope that things were going to get better in the end, I guess we just keep going on this tunnel and keep folding our page to make it stronger. He didn't give up, he had to get a job because once again we ran out of time. He is currently training with a trucking company, he will be training for two more weeks and after than he will be gone for a long time, at least 3 weeks at a time. This is our life now, surprisingly I am starting to accept this, it is what it is and there is nothing we can do to change it. I know he will do great, he has already passed all the tests and got a truck today for the first time and did a great. Tomorrow he will actually get to drive around on the road and see what is like.
He can't look for another job, he will be locked into a contract for a whole year and after than he can look for something else, closer to home where he won't have to drive as far or he won't be away from home as much.
Our kids are well informed of our current situation, we don't hide it from them, they understand and I am grateful they are such good kids.
Back to the lesson now, after I was done Shayna took my piece of paper and cut it up and showed us hoe if you try to make a necklace from it it is too small and it only fits one person but if you cut it in a special way you can fit the entire family in it, together we can do it... what a great ending to our lesson.
A couple of weeks ago I was writing my post but never published it, I was letting myself go into a deep depression, I could feel it and it wasn't pretty. I did have a little breakdown today but quickly got over it and felt that my Heavenly Father was comforting me.
I am proud of my husband, he is a great guy. I feel bad for him because he deserves a lot better and I am sure it will eventually get better, I support him 100% with everything he does.
All we can do now is keep going, keep getting stronger and it will be my job to hold down the fort while he is gone, I have awesome kids that will help me and together we will survive. I know our HF will be there for us, always has been. I pray that Dan will be protected during his travels and thankfully there are so many things out there to keep in contact with him. I am sure we will have a great time video chatting and talking on the phone.
Lastly I just want to share on here how grateful I am for the kindness that was shown to our family during this difficult time, texts, calls, messages, our home teacher who came over one night to give us an envelope with money so we could have a good Christmas, we also got another envelope in the mail from who knows who and it also contained money which was a great help at the right time. The church provided food for our family and we were able to use the Bishop's store house to keep our pantry well stocked with the basic necessities and some bills too. Huge blessings!
Monday, November 23, 2015
Family picnic.
Friday, November 20, 2015
We keep on going.
So no news on the job front... yes it is hard, sad, at times depressing but we are not losing the faith. At least I am not because I can feel The Savior in my life, every day in one way or another. For example the day I was ready to give up because lets face it some times everything just stares at you in the face at the same time and it is too much to handle so you just want to quit and wish for your life to be over right then and there. But He knew it wasn't time to give up so he sent a friend, with flowers and card and gift cards. It was just at the right time. She had no idea what was going on in my head, she didn't know I had been crying and super sad, she came and said thank you for the time I spent at her house helping her with her Halloween outfits and she wanted to do something for me.
To her it was just a card and flower, just a thank you, but for me it was a sign that He is aware of my pain and my struggles. So that day I didn't give up.
The best way to explain how I feel right now is like I am on some kind of drug that keeps me from thinking too much about my reality, focusing more on my family and happy things that happen around me, I know there are so many things that I could be worrying about but during the day I just focus on the little things, spending time with my Kahlan, spending time with Dan which is really something we didn't have in the last year. Spending time with Shayna every morning on our drive to seminary and to school, talking to Victor after school and the helping the boys with homework.
I am even enjoying doing my laundry because up until two weeks ago my washer was trying to give up on me, it's still acting up but we found a setting where it wont flood our floor anymore. We still check up on it while washing, you never know when it will do it again. So yeah I am grateful we still get to do laundry at home and not having to go to a laundromat or as Houstonians say a "Washateria".
I am grateful for so many things, for the awesome kids we have and even though school seems hard for Shayna, we are grateful she is enjoying her time there. I am grateful for how easy they make this parenting thing. We are still not experts at it but they sure make it easy.
After having a conversation with Shayna today about Victor how I worry about him being online, she told me there is nothing to worry about, he has told her many time how the books he finds online sometimes have things that make him uncomfortable and he chooses to quit reading that book and move on to another one. That right there makes me so happy because they are doing the right thing.
Victor is a very special boy, he is kind, smart and it seems always choosing the right.
Tristan gave me us a little scare a couple of months ago, he was having a lot of pain around his tummy and also some chest pain, he was having difficulty breathing and ended up taking him to the doctor. The doctor suggested some tests and x-rays would be a good thing for him. It took a few days to get all the test results back but the one thing that made the doctor feel worried about was the X-rays, she asked if Tristan had suffered from Tuberculosis, of course he hasn't had that EVER!
The doctor requested some more tests, more blood work and a visit to the ultrasound specialist to check that out, apparently what they had seen on that x-ray is just not normal. Of course all this happened during the time Dan got let go so you can imagine the frustration, agony and the million scenarios that were running in my head. It was too much to handle and I am grateful that at that time I was able to be home 24/7 to take care of business and run all over the place with Tristan, he was poked so many times. I was worried of course, praying and fasting that it would be nothing. In the end the doctor still didn't have an answer, but she said it was nothing to worry about it, the ultrasound didn't show anything abnormal. I feel relived somehow and hoping to keep it that way. He hasn't had any symptoms, we changed his diet a little bit and it seems to help him. We took the junk food out of his life, it wasn't that hard since I really don't buy that much junk food anyways.
Aaron is another smart boy in this family, he is doing great in school, he has a little problem with his temper at home and we are working on it constantly. He is a sweet boy but lately he chooses to be mean to Kahlan most of the time, unless he really want's something then he is super nice to her.
Kahlan has started school earlier than expected, well Pre-K that is. Since Dan doesn't have a job, we qualify for the Head Start program at our local school, after I got all the necessary paperwork she was able to start last Friday, she was excited to start school and that same day after we registered her the school offered for her to come back a couple of hours later for afternoon Pre-K. We got some school supplies we didn't have at home and off she went. She has been very happy, it is only for 3 hours so she didn't freak at all on the first day. When we went to pick her up she was super happy.
I guess that's all for now, Dan and I keep on working on the job hunt, we both get on the computer and look for jobs that are available out there. He had an interview this week but sadly that's not going anywhere anymore.
Being in this situation is always very humbling, you learn that there are a lot of things that you really don't need to survive, I know we are going to come out of this one much stronger than before, we are learning patience, understanding, I am giving more of my time and enjoying service from others as well. Whatever it is that is coming, whenever it is we will be ready for it, we know it will be in Lord's time.
To her it was just a card and flower, just a thank you, but for me it was a sign that He is aware of my pain and my struggles. So that day I didn't give up.
The best way to explain how I feel right now is like I am on some kind of drug that keeps me from thinking too much about my reality, focusing more on my family and happy things that happen around me, I know there are so many things that I could be worrying about but during the day I just focus on the little things, spending time with my Kahlan, spending time with Dan which is really something we didn't have in the last year. Spending time with Shayna every morning on our drive to seminary and to school, talking to Victor after school and the helping the boys with homework.
I am even enjoying doing my laundry because up until two weeks ago my washer was trying to give up on me, it's still acting up but we found a setting where it wont flood our floor anymore. We still check up on it while washing, you never know when it will do it again. So yeah I am grateful we still get to do laundry at home and not having to go to a laundromat or as Houstonians say a "Washateria".
I am grateful for so many things, for the awesome kids we have and even though school seems hard for Shayna, we are grateful she is enjoying her time there. I am grateful for how easy they make this parenting thing. We are still not experts at it but they sure make it easy.
After having a conversation with Shayna today about Victor how I worry about him being online, she told me there is nothing to worry about, he has told her many time how the books he finds online sometimes have things that make him uncomfortable and he chooses to quit reading that book and move on to another one. That right there makes me so happy because they are doing the right thing.
Victor is a very special boy, he is kind, smart and it seems always choosing the right.
Tristan gave me us a little scare a couple of months ago, he was having a lot of pain around his tummy and also some chest pain, he was having difficulty breathing and ended up taking him to the doctor. The doctor suggested some tests and x-rays would be a good thing for him. It took a few days to get all the test results back but the one thing that made the doctor feel worried about was the X-rays, she asked if Tristan had suffered from Tuberculosis, of course he hasn't had that EVER!
The doctor requested some more tests, more blood work and a visit to the ultrasound specialist to check that out, apparently what they had seen on that x-ray is just not normal. Of course all this happened during the time Dan got let go so you can imagine the frustration, agony and the million scenarios that were running in my head. It was too much to handle and I am grateful that at that time I was able to be home 24/7 to take care of business and run all over the place with Tristan, he was poked so many times. I was worried of course, praying and fasting that it would be nothing. In the end the doctor still didn't have an answer, but she said it was nothing to worry about it, the ultrasound didn't show anything abnormal. I feel relived somehow and hoping to keep it that way. He hasn't had any symptoms, we changed his diet a little bit and it seems to help him. We took the junk food out of his life, it wasn't that hard since I really don't buy that much junk food anyways.
Aaron is another smart boy in this family, he is doing great in school, he has a little problem with his temper at home and we are working on it constantly. He is a sweet boy but lately he chooses to be mean to Kahlan most of the time, unless he really want's something then he is super nice to her.
Kahlan has started school earlier than expected, well Pre-K that is. Since Dan doesn't have a job, we qualify for the Head Start program at our local school, after I got all the necessary paperwork she was able to start last Friday, she was excited to start school and that same day after we registered her the school offered for her to come back a couple of hours later for afternoon Pre-K. We got some school supplies we didn't have at home and off she went. She has been very happy, it is only for 3 hours so she didn't freak at all on the first day. When we went to pick her up she was super happy.
I guess that's all for now, Dan and I keep on working on the job hunt, we both get on the computer and look for jobs that are available out there. He had an interview this week but sadly that's not going anywhere anymore.
Being in this situation is always very humbling, you learn that there are a lot of things that you really don't need to survive, I know we are going to come out of this one much stronger than before, we are learning patience, understanding, I am giving more of my time and enjoying service from others as well. Whatever it is that is coming, whenever it is we will be ready for it, we know it will be in Lord's time.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Halloween 2015
This year we all decided to just go with whatever for our Halloween outfits, meaning we didn't do a family theme like I love to do....oh well.
Because we don't have much money to spend on things or buy outfits we got crafty and also visited a super cheap thrift store to get things for the costumes. I know, it's not ideal to a lot of people to go through mountains of clothes but I didn't mind. For $3.15 we got Shayna's jacket, Dan's jacket and few extras for Kahlan and myself.
For Tristan we were lucky enough to have a friend lend us her Knight costume she had gotten for her son last Halloween and they were not going to use. Aaron was just a last minute thing. We got a vest from the dollar store and adjusted it to his size, found an old shirt in the closet and got a firefighter helmet form the dollar store to complete the look for him.
Victor did not want to decide on an outfit and I gave up on him so he was just going to go without a costume, last minute freak out lead me to do a zombie look on him which he agreed to. I offered several options for a whole week but he didn't want any of them. For Kahlan another friend donated her old She-ra costume that she made for girls and from there Kahlan suggested directions on how to make it look better and closer to the real thing. She was really into it and supervised every step of the way letting me know when I was not doing it right. Her dad got a wig at a dollar store of course so it completed the look for her, We did have to trim the hair a little and I tried to curl it... did you know that you can melt the hair on the wig? your probably did, I had to do it to learn my lesson.
My idea for my costume came from watching a Netflix show with my mom and from wanting to be Agent Carter from the Captain America movie.... She is really pretty and I love the outfits form the 1930-1940... actually anything from before clothes stated to get all weird I love!!!
I had the fabric already and a pattern for it so mine was practically free this year.... my mom gave me her shows and got me the gloves, she loved my outfit.
For my mom the 99 cent store came to the rescue, we found a french maid outfit for... well 99 cents and she looked great but I forgot to take pictures at home and then forgot the camera at home. So sad.
We all had a great time at the Trunk or Treat at the church and I was relived that everyone was happy with their outfits.
Because we don't have much money to spend on things or buy outfits we got crafty and also visited a super cheap thrift store to get things for the costumes. I know, it's not ideal to a lot of people to go through mountains of clothes but I didn't mind. For $3.15 we got Shayna's jacket, Dan's jacket and few extras for Kahlan and myself.
For Tristan we were lucky enough to have a friend lend us her Knight costume she had gotten for her son last Halloween and they were not going to use. Aaron was just a last minute thing. We got a vest from the dollar store and adjusted it to his size, found an old shirt in the closet and got a firefighter helmet form the dollar store to complete the look for him.
Victor did not want to decide on an outfit and I gave up on him so he was just going to go without a costume, last minute freak out lead me to do a zombie look on him which he agreed to. I offered several options for a whole week but he didn't want any of them. For Kahlan another friend donated her old She-ra costume that she made for girls and from there Kahlan suggested directions on how to make it look better and closer to the real thing. She was really into it and supervised every step of the way letting me know when I was not doing it right. Her dad got a wig at a dollar store of course so it completed the look for her, We did have to trim the hair a little and I tried to curl it... did you know that you can melt the hair on the wig? your probably did, I had to do it to learn my lesson.
My idea for my costume came from watching a Netflix show with my mom and from wanting to be Agent Carter from the Captain America movie.... She is really pretty and I love the outfits form the 1930-1940... actually anything from before clothes stated to get all weird I love!!!
I had the fabric already and a pattern for it so mine was practically free this year.... my mom gave me her shows and got me the gloves, she loved my outfit.
For my mom the 99 cent store came to the rescue, we found a french maid outfit for... well 99 cents and she looked great but I forgot to take pictures at home and then forgot the camera at home. So sad.
We all had a great time at the Trunk or Treat at the church and I was relived that everyone was happy with their outfits.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Crafting again.
I have missed sitting in front of my sewing machine for a long time. I mean there were some projects that I was able to work on while working but the guilty feeling that came with it wasn't fun. I mean why sewing when you could spend time with Kahlan at the park right?
Anyways I have been able to work on Kahlan's and mine Halloween outfit. No money spent since my collection of fabrics is crazy right now. I did buy some gold material for it and it is not quite done yet but for the most part it is.
The one thing I am enjoying immensely is my embroidery project. I had started working on the portrait of my mother in law about 6 months ago, worked it while watching show on TV every once in a while and that's why I haven't finished it. It usually takes me about 2 to 3 weeks to be done with them. Plus you needs inspiration to finish this kind of stuff. By all means my creations are not as cool as an artist that's out there... but I do what I can and it turns out pretty cool.
We just mailed it out today and hopefully it will get there on time for her birthday.
Warning lots of pictures on this one.
I think the smile came out prefect.
I love the details on her face.
Anyways I have been able to work on Kahlan's and mine Halloween outfit. No money spent since my collection of fabrics is crazy right now. I did buy some gold material for it and it is not quite done yet but for the most part it is.
The one thing I am enjoying immensely is my embroidery project. I had started working on the portrait of my mother in law about 6 months ago, worked it while watching show on TV every once in a while and that's why I haven't finished it. It usually takes me about 2 to 3 weeks to be done with them. Plus you needs inspiration to finish this kind of stuff. By all means my creations are not as cool as an artist that's out there... but I do what I can and it turns out pretty cool.
We just mailed it out today and hopefully it will get there on time for her birthday.
Warning lots of pictures on this one.
Monday, October 19, 2015
Jobless in Houston
After working for a year full time it finally caught with me and the house, the kids and my poor body and mind started to feel the effects of it. I honestly don't know how other women do it. Working full time and having a big family do not mix well for me. I tried, I mean I really tried. There were morning when I just did not want to get out of bed and face the reality, leaving my little girl at someone's house even this this house was a safe place where she is loved immensely.... I just could not do it anymore. She missed me and I her.
As mush as I tried to organize myself and the teach my kids how to keep up with everything it was hard. The poor kids did a lot of growing up this last year. They became more responsible, they looked after each other and prepared meals for themselves. Even now they still make their own lunch to take to school.
Life was pretty hard, I only got to see my kids for a couple of hours, some times even just half an hour on my late days. I missed tons of school events and was not keeping up with their homework assignments. Aaron is doing great in school but compared to where his siblings were at his age, he still has a lot to do, I know he can do much better. They are all very smart, they work hard at school and are for the most part responsible but I know that me not being home made it easier for them to "forget"about some assignments.
The other hard thing for me was when my kids were sick, I wasn't able to stay home with them some times, it broke my heart. At work they don't really care if your kid is sick puking his guts out, no sir, they want you there 100% making the calls that will bring them thousands of dollars into their clinic and you are not allowed to be distracted or even think about your sick child...
Figuring out meals was extremely hard too, I mean you have to shop based on your recipes or your have to cook based on what you have on hand, shopping??? yeah I hate it now. It was not enjoyable to come home change my clothes cook a mean and then go out shopping for the things we were missing for the next few days. some times I stopped on the way home but it was hard because all I wanted was to go home and relax with my family.
I know I am a failure because I gave up... I just could not do it anymore. The idea was to help Dan with the bills but after paying for gas, food and daycare it was becoming impossible. It was not worth it to keep going through the whole thing and not being able to enjoy the little money.
I kept feeling my place was at home, for months I struggled with this idea but did not want to bring it up with Dan because I knew he would stress a lot. I mean, why would I cut our income by a third? I probably wouldn't seem fair to him. But the thought came coming back to me, so I did what I knew would be best.
I went to the Temple, fasted and prayed for weeks.... the answer was peace in my heart whenever I thought about it. Now the hardest part was to let my employers know about my decision and I knew I was going to be judged for it. First of all they already think I am crazy for having 5 kids so that was not fun. Indeed when I told them about it they could not believe it, one of the doctors actually I don't think she cared that much, right after I told her she made the manager write a post online about my position being available, not even 5 minutes after I talked to her. The husband though tried to keep me and offered me a raise but I just could not do it. There are many reasons why it was just not going to work for me.
So the date was set, I gave them my last date for work, September 18th. I was excited to go to work for the last time, the doctor even game me a free root canal before I left that day. I was ready to text Dan about it and let him know I was OK when I saw his text...."They let me go"
You can imagine what a crazy moment that was in my head. I was in the bathroom when text showed up on my phone. I was numb still from the anesthesia and tears started to come down my face. I tried to stay strong and not cry, started to walk to the back of the clinic when a fellow employee asked me what was wrong and I lost it. The doctor found me and had me sit down, I tried to tell him what happened and I know he was talking but I wasn't listening. All I now is that he told me I could come back on Monday but I know he was just being nice, he had hired two people already, one took my position and the other one was starting on Monday. I appreciate his kindness but know his wife would not had approved of it. I told him that I had to leave right away, my face was a mess, could not stop crying and just had to leave that place. Drove home to find Dan's car in the driveway already. Of course my mom had no idea what was going on and I had to tell her, Victor was standing there too and it broke my heart to tell him what was going on.
The thing is, this is all super crazy right? I mean, my last day at work, his last day at work, one planned and the other one a complete surprise...
I still try to wrap my head around the whole thing and can't understand what happened. Dan and I spent the afternoon in our room on our bed, crying, laughing and planning our next move.
I am happy to say that was the only day I cried, it has been a month and to me that is a big deal. I am a big baby, can't help myself.
Last year when Dan was unemployed for almost 6 months it was hard, I cried almost every day. I felt so alone and depression hit me hard.
I know it is all because of prayers, the way I am praying this time around is mostly to keep myself collected, feel peace and calm, I am able to get up and be positive and hopeful. I know Dan is doing a lot better too. We both are taking care of each other and making sure everything is in control. He still supports me with the idea of staying home with the kids, at least until Kahlan starts Kinder next fall, I know it will be easier to find a part time job somewhere and help the family that way.
Dan has been working hard on applying for jobs and we are hoping something will work out soon.
I am not losing the faith, I know Heavenly Father has something planned for us, even with our broken van right now, I know there is something better for us, life is hard yes, but I feel my Savior, holding me tight, telling me it is going to be OK, wrapping me in his arms and making things better.
This is the hardest thing we have had to deal with as a family, I mean the kids know exactly what is going on and they hurt too, they are just as scared as we are and it is because of them that I am trying to stay strong.
I am grateful for the family and friends that I have, for their support and concern and their prayers, I am sure that is how we are able to keep going too.
So for now we keep praying and doing the things we are supposed to do, we keep trying to find the good side on everything and appreciate the little things in life. I have laughed more in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last year, that means something right?
As mush as I tried to organize myself and the teach my kids how to keep up with everything it was hard. The poor kids did a lot of growing up this last year. They became more responsible, they looked after each other and prepared meals for themselves. Even now they still make their own lunch to take to school.
Life was pretty hard, I only got to see my kids for a couple of hours, some times even just half an hour on my late days. I missed tons of school events and was not keeping up with their homework assignments. Aaron is doing great in school but compared to where his siblings were at his age, he still has a lot to do, I know he can do much better. They are all very smart, they work hard at school and are for the most part responsible but I know that me not being home made it easier for them to "forget"about some assignments.
The other hard thing for me was when my kids were sick, I wasn't able to stay home with them some times, it broke my heart. At work they don't really care if your kid is sick puking his guts out, no sir, they want you there 100% making the calls that will bring them thousands of dollars into their clinic and you are not allowed to be distracted or even think about your sick child...
Figuring out meals was extremely hard too, I mean you have to shop based on your recipes or your have to cook based on what you have on hand, shopping??? yeah I hate it now. It was not enjoyable to come home change my clothes cook a mean and then go out shopping for the things we were missing for the next few days. some times I stopped on the way home but it was hard because all I wanted was to go home and relax with my family.
I know I am a failure because I gave up... I just could not do it anymore. The idea was to help Dan with the bills but after paying for gas, food and daycare it was becoming impossible. It was not worth it to keep going through the whole thing and not being able to enjoy the little money.
I kept feeling my place was at home, for months I struggled with this idea but did not want to bring it up with Dan because I knew he would stress a lot. I mean, why would I cut our income by a third? I probably wouldn't seem fair to him. But the thought came coming back to me, so I did what I knew would be best.
I went to the Temple, fasted and prayed for weeks.... the answer was peace in my heart whenever I thought about it. Now the hardest part was to let my employers know about my decision and I knew I was going to be judged for it. First of all they already think I am crazy for having 5 kids so that was not fun. Indeed when I told them about it they could not believe it, one of the doctors actually I don't think she cared that much, right after I told her she made the manager write a post online about my position being available, not even 5 minutes after I talked to her. The husband though tried to keep me and offered me a raise but I just could not do it. There are many reasons why it was just not going to work for me.
So the date was set, I gave them my last date for work, September 18th. I was excited to go to work for the last time, the doctor even game me a free root canal before I left that day. I was ready to text Dan about it and let him know I was OK when I saw his text...."They let me go"
You can imagine what a crazy moment that was in my head. I was in the bathroom when text showed up on my phone. I was numb still from the anesthesia and tears started to come down my face. I tried to stay strong and not cry, started to walk to the back of the clinic when a fellow employee asked me what was wrong and I lost it. The doctor found me and had me sit down, I tried to tell him what happened and I know he was talking but I wasn't listening. All I now is that he told me I could come back on Monday but I know he was just being nice, he had hired two people already, one took my position and the other one was starting on Monday. I appreciate his kindness but know his wife would not had approved of it. I told him that I had to leave right away, my face was a mess, could not stop crying and just had to leave that place. Drove home to find Dan's car in the driveway already. Of course my mom had no idea what was going on and I had to tell her, Victor was standing there too and it broke my heart to tell him what was going on.
The thing is, this is all super crazy right? I mean, my last day at work, his last day at work, one planned and the other one a complete surprise...
I still try to wrap my head around the whole thing and can't understand what happened. Dan and I spent the afternoon in our room on our bed, crying, laughing and planning our next move.
I am happy to say that was the only day I cried, it has been a month and to me that is a big deal. I am a big baby, can't help myself.
Last year when Dan was unemployed for almost 6 months it was hard, I cried almost every day. I felt so alone and depression hit me hard.
I know it is all because of prayers, the way I am praying this time around is mostly to keep myself collected, feel peace and calm, I am able to get up and be positive and hopeful. I know Dan is doing a lot better too. We both are taking care of each other and making sure everything is in control. He still supports me with the idea of staying home with the kids, at least until Kahlan starts Kinder next fall, I know it will be easier to find a part time job somewhere and help the family that way.
Dan has been working hard on applying for jobs and we are hoping something will work out soon.
I am not losing the faith, I know Heavenly Father has something planned for us, even with our broken van right now, I know there is something better for us, life is hard yes, but I feel my Savior, holding me tight, telling me it is going to be OK, wrapping me in his arms and making things better.
This is the hardest thing we have had to deal with as a family, I mean the kids know exactly what is going on and they hurt too, they are just as scared as we are and it is because of them that I am trying to stay strong.
I am grateful for the family and friends that I have, for their support and concern and their prayers, I am sure that is how we are able to keep going too.
So for now we keep praying and doing the things we are supposed to do, we keep trying to find the good side on everything and appreciate the little things in life. I have laughed more in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last year, that means something right?
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